He Cares for You

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Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you.... casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for You..... 1 Peter 5:6-9

We are all easy targets for the devil. We have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and be determined to win this battle. Tell him to get away from you and quote the word of God just as Jesus did. The devil will have no choice but to flee.

December 15, 2014: Thank You for caring about me. What an amazing feeling to know that the God of EVERYTHING cares about everyone, even when we feel insignificant and alone. We are not worthy for You to care about us so deeply. Your plan for my life, though I may not understand it yet, is perfect. I will continue to do everything I can to sanctify myself for You.

I know that my Soul is drawn to pride. I see that I am always making everything about me, and not others, especially not You, Lord. I understand now why Pastor Matt was firm with me and asked me why I cared so much about my students talking about me. I understand that my anger, depressions, even my sensitivity, stems from not focusing on what is truly important in this life- You. I asked for You to open my eyes and change my perspective and I can begin to see where You are doing that in my life.

You are helping me mature. You are giving me the tools to begin (and eventually) complete the internal transformation I must go through. I am so thankful. I fully believe the the Holy Spirit is present in me and as I continue to grow in You, He will grow in me. Pastor Matt said be faithful for a year and you won't believe the changes you will see in your life, but I am proof that change can be immediate. I really feel like a newer, better version of myself after only a few days-- I cannot wait to see how you shape and mold me over the next year. I am so excited.

I am so thankful You never gave up on me- even though it's been nearly 17 years. I know it won't always be easy. I know the process is lifelong and ongoing, but I also know I have the direction, power and purpose of the Holy Spirit to help me along the way. In Jesus' name I ask the Holy Spirit to DAILY  show me, change me, and fill me so I will stay on your righteous path.

Do Not Fear those Who Kill the Body

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Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28

A common theme in my earliest journaling entries was fear, particularly fear of other people. When I had an opportunity to talk to my pastor about my work issues and the stress it was causing, he was very blunt with me. He steepled his fingers at his chin and leveled his stare at me. I was crying and upset, and he said, simply, "So what? Why do you care what they are saying?" 

Why did I care? I had teenagers spreading rumors that I had posted naked photos of myself on a social media account. They were spreading rumors that were not only embarrassing and cruel and wholly untrue, but also rumors that could potentially get back to my principal and community. Through my tears and frustration, I relayed this information. I was married. This was my good name and reputation at stake because some kids were mad over grades or tardies or detentions. 

Again, he asked me, "But if it's not true, why do you care? Kids are going to talk about their teachers. Do you think people don't talk about me? This is just a part of being in a leadership position."

I admit there was truth to his statement, but it didn't help the hurt and anger I was feeling over the situation. Even though I knew it wasn't true, and could prove it wasn't true, just the fact that people I knew and spoke to every day would purposely try to hurt me, well, it hurt. It hurt badly. I wanted validation for my feelings, but I wasn't expecting this.

He continued, "You are focus too much on what's going on down here." He motioned around him before pointing up at the ceiling, "You've got to take your focus off of them and put it back on Him. Kids are always going to talk about their teachers. Is this always how you are going to react? Don't people know you well enough to know that you didn't do it?"

I admitted that yes it was true. The people who mattered in my life would obviously know that the rumor was ridiculous and totally unfounded. They would know that teenagers are often foolish and don't realize the real world ramifications of their actions. It was also very true that I spent most of my time worrying about the things of earth, the temporal and temporary, and very little time focusing on the unseen, the eternity stretched out before me. 

He let me finish blubbering before saying something that I never in a million years would have expected a pastor to say to me. I came into his office looking for sympathy and a kind word or two or a quick prayer, but instead he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'm not trying to say that God's telling you to suck it up... But I'm pretty sure God's telling you to suck it up." 

Ouch, right? But really this was the reality check, the kick in the pants I needed, not only to reprioritize my life, but also to turn my eyes to what really matters- GOD. For so long I had been focusing on the negatives in life- the people who hurt or frustrated me and situations that made me impatient or frustrated. I got so weighed down with the weight of the world, that I never truly realized what was ultimately important and essential. When I came back to work, my pride had been hurt, but my eyes had been opened. When co-workers tenderly asked me how I was doing, if I was going to be okay, I had an inner strength that had never been there. "Oh, I'm good," I assured them. "Because I'm not focusing on them anymore," and like my preacher I waved my hand around the empty desks in the room, desks that would soon be filled with those who want to hurt and embarrass and "kill" the body. Then I pointed heavenward, "I'm focusing on him."

December 12, 2014: Go straight to the Lord! Thank You for Your Grace. Thank you for showing me the things within myself that I must change. Thank you for showing me how to change. Thank you for being there always, giving me strength, helping me find peace. Please keep me from getting discouraged. 

Today I feel like I definitely, for real, heard the Holy Spirit talking to me! I recognized that Satan was trying to drag me down today- to make me angry and stressed. My back was hurting, my curling iron broke half way through curling my hair, being "too busy" to do my Bible study and journaling, but I REFUSED, Lord, and here I am with a million "more important" things to do, but I'm with you. I am continiuing to focus on You, the unseen, the most important, and not all there other interferences- they can wait. You and starting my day with You is way more important, and I ma thrilled to finally recognize that. 

My day could have continued to be crappy because my focus would be on that, but I know I can't allow these things to drag me down because ultimately THEY DON'T MATTER, and You do! I feel like this is a huge step! I want perfect this morning- I swore and I got angry. Thank you for having Sean speak up to remind me not to be that way. Thank you for showing him how to pray for is sinning, but trying momma! That was so wonderful! Today's devotional was seriously written just for me, so I know that's the Holy Spirit telling me what I need to hear today. Thank you, thank you for giving me this wonderful gift. The glory is all Yours and I bask in the knowledge that You have trusted me and believe in me and You are giving me the Holy Spirit to guide and encourage just when I need it most. What a wonderful feeling. 

Add a Single Hour to Your Life

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Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Matthew 6:25

I'm a lifelong worrier. I know lots of people say that, but I literally cannot remember a time when I didn't have stress and fear in my life. I remember being a young child, probably no older than four, and sneaking into my parents' room in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. I remember clearly creeping through the house and climbing into the middle of their bed and snuggling between them. I remember being eleven or so and begging my mother to give me a dose of Benadryl in the hopes that it would make me drowsy enough to fall asleep. Many nights she wouldn't, and I would stay up for hours, watching the lights in my neighbors' houses, slowly click off as they went to sleep. It was the loneliest feeling- like I was the only person in the world awake, and if I were to fall asleep, I had no doubt that something terrible would happen. They say that stress and worry doesn't cause gray hair, but my mother warned me at thirteen that if I didn't stop stressing out about everything that I would have a head full of gray hairs by the time I could drive. She wasn't too far off. Speaking of driving, I didn't get my license until my senior year because I was too afraid to take the driving test- I couldn't handle the pressure. 

My life has been one worry and anxiety after another. My husband calls me an "awfulizer", meaning my mind automatically jumps to the worst case scenario with every situation. He's late coming home and not answering his phone? It can't be that he's just busy on taking another phone call; he must have been in a car accident. I have a headache and my vision is blurred? It can't be allergies because I forgot my A.M. Claritin; I definitely have a brain tumor. My psychiatrist in college called in Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was twenty years old before someone finally gave a name and an explanation to what was wrong with me. For the first time, I felt relief. Well, first I read every internet article on GAD I could find, but then I felt relief. Something really was wrong with me. I wasn't just crazy. OK, maybe I was just crazy, but it was something I could deal with now that I knew what the problem was. 

Years of therapy and medication helped some, but never completely eliminated my fears. Having a son in 2007 made my stress and irrational worrying worse than ever. Now I had a baby to endlessly worry over. There were days when I didn't dress my newborn at all because I was certain I would break his neck pulling a onesie over his big head. I refused to change diapers until after his umbilical stump fell off for fear that I would bump it and hurt him. I, not even exaggerating here, took a poop-filled diaper to his pediatrician because the poop wasn't the same color and consistency as described in my baby manual What to Expect the First Year. Eventually fear, stress, and worry just became my default. This was just how I was going to always feel, and there was nothing I could do about it. 

By the beginning of December, I had reached a breaking point in my career as a high school teacher. I was literally sick to my stomach every day as I prepared to go to school. I will spare you the details, but I was physically sick every morning like clockwork. Dread and fear threatened to consume me, and I felt hopeless most of the time. These were dark days, friends. And this is what led me to my Bible and Jesus. I had tried everything else with no relief, so I felt like Jesus was my last chance. I knew reading my Bible and praying wouldn't hurt, but I couldn't believe how much it helped. Why did I turn to Jesus as a last resort? I try to imagine how much more peaceful my life could have been if I had talked to God fifteen or twenty years ago. I try not to beat myself up about my delay too much; I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that every part of my journey was preordained by my Heavenly Father. His timing is perfect. 

I still have a long way to go in my journey. I have not been magically fixed overnight. I still worry about things, but worry no longer consumes me. I am able to put the right perspective on the issue instead of "awfulizing". I know that worry will not add a single hour to my life. I know that God doesn't want me to worry. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your cares on Him; He cares for you." I work very hard at "giving it to God" now. I try to ask myself, "Will this matter tomorrow? Will this matter next week? Will this matter in a year?" Nine times out of ten, the answer is a resounding no.  And if my answer is honestly no, then I just don't worry about it. 

December 9, 2014: Thank you for taking away all of  my fears and replacing them with peace. Thank you for letting me know I'm normal, even when the spirit of fear is trying to tell me I'm not. Thank you for giving me control of my thoughts and for helping me turn negative thinking into positive thinking. Thank you for keeping me safe and loving me. 

One of the things I love most about You is You hold the answers not me. I don't have to worry about "what-if" or "why" or "how"- I give it to you because it is beyond my ability to understand.

Stand Against the Wiles of the Devil

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...Finally be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil... Ephesians 6:10-13

So, I'll admit, I've never much believed in the devil. Maybe it was my completely secular upbringing, but the devil has never been one of my big fears. I'm scared of closing my eyes when I wash my hair in the shower. I'm scared of small boats that go really fast. I'm scared of accidentally poking my eye out while putting on mascara. But the devil? Come on, no way.

In the middle of my breakdown/revelation in early December, I spoke briefly with my pastor. He confirmed what other friends in the faith had determined-- that the devil was behind the personal attacks on my character and reputation. And here I was, naively thinking that it was just a bunch of teenaged kids being turds, but it was the devil after me! I'll admit I didn't put too much credence into his words. I just didn't believe it. I'll believe in God, okay? But I've got to draw the line at the devil. That's just a fairy tale.

But he pressed on, and his words stuck with me. He told me, "The devil only attacks people he's afraid of. You must be doing big things." Me? Doing big things? I could barely work up the nerve to get out of bed in the morning. Surely the devil has better, more important people to mess with than me? My believing has shifted since then, and now I am much more aware of the devil's wiles and schemes.

We have a common enemy--- Satan--- and he will attack us every way he knows how. Just as God knows us inside and out, so does the devil, and he will use our greatest weaknesses to his greatest advantage. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm."  He is waging a war against all of us, whether we realize it or not. He wants to strike us and then kick us while we are down. He knows where we are most vulnerable, and he will poke at it like you will poke at a sore tooth in the back of your mouth. Constantly and continuously until he wears you down.  He attacks with anger, pride, sin, lust, hurt feelings, criticism-- the things in this world that hurt. He will also attack with promises he can't fulfill and enticing lies you can't resist. Luckily, I don't face the devil of temptation often. My devil comes in the form of pride and anger, and I struggle with him every single day.

This passage in Ephesians is well known for its "Armor of God" metaphor, a spiritual "how-to defeat the devil" guide. Many people are familiar with the verses: belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with readiness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit (the Word). The scripture warns us to be prepared to fight WHEN the day of evil comes, not IF the day of evil comes, so we know that we are expected to face evil and fight. An interesting side note that my husband always points out- in all this armor of God, there is nothing to cover your backside. The Lord expects you to face evil and fight, not run away and hide.

Our strongest weapon in this battle is the sword of the Spirit. The Bible. Most wars are fought with guns and tanks and bombs, but Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:3-4, "...we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have the divine power to demolish strongholds..." Now fighting with words is something I am quite skilled in (just ask my poor husband), but using Scripture to glorify God and beat back the devil hasn't been in my "word war repertoire" until recently.

December 8, 2014: Heavenly Father, thank you for protection during the battle I wage every day. Please give me the weapons and armor I need to keep Satan at bay. Keep my mind on heavenly thins above, and don't allow Satan to pound me with his lies. Please give me the strength and courage to avoid the devil's temptations and hold fast to Your truth and love. I am amazed at your promise to provide for all of us, exactly what we need when we need it in our lives. You are all-powerful and all-loving. You are everything as as I continue to submit my life to you, I begin to clearly see that.

 I know that without you in my life, there will always be a hole that cannot be filled. I know that as I grow deeper in my relationship with You, You will continue to show me the depths of Your love. Like a child, I may not understand why You do things, but I endeavor to trust You fully and go wherever and do whatever You tell me to do. I put away my years of disobedience and reveal in a new trust, like a child just learning to walk or learning to ride a bike. I understand now that You don't guarantee that I won't ever fall or be hurt, but You do promise to be there to pick me up, dust me off, and give me the courage and confidence to try again. I know in my life I will deal with disappointments, hardships, anger and sadness, but you soften the blow. You protect me. You don't allow these things to consume me anymore because I've given it all to You.

Selfishly, I pray that You will continue to be with me as I face my own personal demons of depression and anxiety. Please give me the strength and courage to continue teaching this year. Let me be so filled with Your light and love that everyone can see the difference- my mom has already mentioned the change she has seen in me, so I know You are working in me. Please help me to continue this.


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The Battle is not Yours, but God's

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For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

The battle is not yours, but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15

Sitting at home that first day, immersed in God, was easy. It was wonderful. But the next morning, my alarm clock went off, and I started panicking. I felt literally sick to my stomach dreading going to work and facing my biggest stress and fear. My students. It seems so ridiculous now, almost two months after the fact, but I was terrified.

I had started reading Max Lucado's book Fearless on the suggestion of a friend in my small group. Previously I thought of Lucado of a super cheesy Christian writer, full of lame platitudes and pathetic feel-good advice that wouldn't apply to my life and my problems. Boy, was I wrong! It felt like he was writing directly to me, like he could read my mind and knew my deepest worries and anxieties.I got great comfort from his words, and I am truly a convert. I can't get enough Lucado in my life!

That morning in my prayer journal, I poured out my fears. It makes me sad to read these words now. The desperation and fear is so apparent, so thick you could cut it. It was a dark time. I remember my husband, trying to encourage me, saying, "The school year is almost half-over. It will be summertime before you know it." That wasn't encouraging at all, but DISCOURAGING! I couldn't see myself making it through a single day at school, much less another week, another month, another five months! I was angry and scared and desperate.

December 4, 2014: Please take away the fear and dread. Fill me with a peace that only comes from knowing Your are my god. Give me the courage to before them no matter what they say, think, or do. Please be with me today. Show me your presence. Fill me with a sense of well-being and calmness. Let me think only of you and not them. Let me keep my eyes on you, my Savior, and not on any storm in my life. The storm isn't important. I choose not to fear the storm ahead of me and fully trust You to get me through it and draw you close to me for protection and a renewal of my spirit. Please be with me today and every day. I give you my fears, my worries, my doubts, the things I fear that I know I can't control. I am tired of fighting this alone. This is not my battle to fight; it is Yours. You hold the power to make me a new being in Your image- one full of light and love, not fear and darkness. I want to be that new creation. Give me your strength for I am weak. I know I can't do it alone, and I don't want to anymore. Be with me today, Lord, please.

PEACEFUL- Worry Stoppers (Adapted from Max Lucado)

PRAY, first- Ask for God's help. Prepare yourself inwardly to face your fears outwardly.
EASY, now- Slow down. Take your fears to Jesus and state them clearly.
ACT on it- Become a worry-slapper. Treat fear like a mosquito. Once it starts bothering you, slap it
                   hard! Don't dwell on it. Be a DOER, not a STEWER.
COMPILE a worry list- Write down all your anxious thoughts. Now think- how many of your                               worries and fears have ever actually turned into realities? Not many, I bet.
EVALUATE your worry- Look at your lists and highlight the themes of your worry. Pray for those                        things.
FOCUS on today- God promises to meet our daily needs DAILY. He will give you what you need
                   when you need it.
UNLEASH a "worry army"- Share your fears and worries with a few loved ones. Ask them to pray
                    with you and for you.
LET God be enough- Your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the kingdom of God
         above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.