We Cry, "Abba Father"

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The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15



December 11, 2014: How You deal with the pain and suffering of all creation is amazing to me. Sean wakes me (on my morning where I pledged to sleep in of course) telling me he feels sick and I immediately go into "SuperMom" mode to comfort him and try to make him feel better. Blanket and pillow on the couch. Juice in a cup. Favorite show on the TV. "Barf Bowl" in his lap. But sometimes all I can do is rub his back and promise him that this feeling of sickness will eventually pass. It's a small comparison to Your power because You can heal and comfort at levels I will never attain, but the comfort is there. You are available to comfort us all if we will accept it. I want your comfort, your protection, your guidance. I want to feel Your presences at all times, but I don't always know how to do that. 

It is hard to let go and let You have control of everything. I read things online and I get mad or paranoid. I know that's not the behavior I should exhibit. I stress too much about things that don't matter and won't matter. I continue to ask You to change my perspective, to keep me ever aware of what is most important- the unseen and the everlasting, the kingdom of the Lord. I know you are changing me, if others are seeing it too, I know it must be true. This makes me happy and grateful because I know it's not just me- it's You and only You. 

I am so excited that my family is coming to church again Sunday. I know that the sermons can sometimes get a little confusing, so I pray You will help them see Your truth. I would love for them to accept Jesus as their Savior and not not to their own understanding of life. But I also know how incredibly hard it is to truly do that- I mean, I was saved for almost 16 years and I'm just now there! We are stubborn, hurting women. It's hard for us to trust because of so many past hurts, so I just pray you will fill them with love, something they can really sense. I pray I can be a good witness to them- that God's light will shine though me for them to see. 

Do Not Fear those Who Kill the Body

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Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28

A common theme in my earliest journaling entries was fear, particularly fear of other people. When I had an opportunity to talk to my pastor about my work issues and the stress it was causing, he was very blunt with me. He steepled his fingers at his chin and leveled his stare at me. I was crying and upset, and he said, simply, "So what? Why do you care what they are saying?" 

Why did I care? I had teenagers spreading rumors that I had posted naked photos of myself on a social media account. They were spreading rumors that were not only embarrassing and cruel and wholly untrue, but also rumors that could potentially get back to my principal and community. Through my tears and frustration, I relayed this information. I was married. This was my good name and reputation at stake because some kids were mad over grades or tardies or detentions. 

Again, he asked me, "But if it's not true, why do you care? Kids are going to talk about their teachers. Do you think people don't talk about me? This is just a part of being in a leadership position."

I admit there was truth to his statement, but it didn't help the hurt and anger I was feeling over the situation. Even though I knew it wasn't true, and could prove it wasn't true, just the fact that people I knew and spoke to every day would purposely try to hurt me, well, it hurt. It hurt badly. I wanted validation for my feelings, but I wasn't expecting this.

He continued, "You are focus too much on what's going on down here." He motioned around him before pointing up at the ceiling, "You've got to take your focus off of them and put it back on Him. Kids are always going to talk about their teachers. Is this always how you are going to react? Don't people know you well enough to know that you didn't do it?"

I admitted that yes it was true. The people who mattered in my life would obviously know that the rumor was ridiculous and totally unfounded. They would know that teenagers are often foolish and don't realize the real world ramifications of their actions. It was also very true that I spent most of my time worrying about the things of earth, the temporal and temporary, and very little time focusing on the unseen, the eternity stretched out before me. 

He let me finish blubbering before saying something that I never in a million years would have expected a pastor to say to me. I came into his office looking for sympathy and a kind word or two or a quick prayer, but instead he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'm not trying to say that God's telling you to suck it up... But I'm pretty sure God's telling you to suck it up." 

Ouch, right? But really this was the reality check, the kick in the pants I needed, not only to reprioritize my life, but also to turn my eyes to what really matters- GOD. For so long I had been focusing on the negatives in life- the people who hurt or frustrated me and situations that made me impatient or frustrated. I got so weighed down with the weight of the world, that I never truly realized what was ultimately important and essential. When I came back to work, my pride had been hurt, but my eyes had been opened. When co-workers tenderly asked me how I was doing, if I was going to be okay, I had an inner strength that had never been there. "Oh, I'm good," I assured them. "Because I'm not focusing on them anymore," and like my preacher I waved my hand around the empty desks in the room, desks that would soon be filled with those who want to hurt and embarrass and "kill" the body. Then I pointed heavenward, "I'm focusing on him."

December 12, 2014: Go straight to the Lord! Thank You for Your Grace. Thank you for showing me the things within myself that I must change. Thank you for showing me how to change. Thank you for being there always, giving me strength, helping me find peace. Please keep me from getting discouraged. 

Today I feel like I definitely, for real, heard the Holy Spirit talking to me! I recognized that Satan was trying to drag me down today- to make me angry and stressed. My back was hurting, my curling iron broke half way through curling my hair, being "too busy" to do my Bible study and journaling, but I REFUSED, Lord, and here I am with a million "more important" things to do, but I'm with you. I am continiuing to focus on You, the unseen, the most important, and not all there other interferences- they can wait. You and starting my day with You is way more important, and I ma thrilled to finally recognize that. 

My day could have continued to be crappy because my focus would be on that, but I know I can't allow these things to drag me down because ultimately THEY DON'T MATTER, and You do! I feel like this is a huge step! I want perfect this morning- I swore and I got angry. Thank you for having Sean speak up to remind me not to be that way. Thank you for showing him how to pray for is sinning, but trying momma! That was so wonderful! Today's devotional was seriously written just for me, so I know that's the Holy Spirit telling me what I need to hear today. Thank you, thank you for giving me this wonderful gift. The glory is all Yours and I bask in the knowledge that You have trusted me and believe in me and You are giving me the Holy Spirit to guide and encourage just when I need it most. What a wonderful feeling. 

Be Still and Know That I am God

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He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

Right, be still. Sit and listen to God. Meditate on His Word. Wait for the Holy Spirit to talk to you... I am an expert multi-tasker (well, at least I think I am ). I always have at least ten tabs open on my laptop. I watch TV while I text while I surf Facebook. I cannot do just one thing at a time. In the mornings I try to fix my hair and put on my eye make-up at the same time. Sometimes, I try to throw in a little devotional reading or a quick glance at Timehop while I'm at it. Doing just one thing at a time seems like, well, a waste of time.  I always feel like I am running late and rushing to get where I need to be, so I've got to do as much as I can at one time.  Carving out time for just me and God was one of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome.

The thing I've discovered is that once you make your Quiet Time a priority in your life, it becomes a necessity. I already get up really early to get ready for work, and I just don't think that it is humanly possible for me to get up an hour earlier (and be able to think coherently). Luckily, my prep period at school is the first period of the day, so while all the other teachers batten down the hatches and start teaching, I pull out my prayer journal and start talking to God. This time is sacred to me, and I guard it fiercely. I am usually able to get at least thirty minutes of prayer time in during this period, and I can only think of two or three times since December that something happened and kept me from getting in my time- a meeting or covering a class or preparing for my day- and boy were those days awful! It's amazing how different my attitude is when I start my day in God's Word and being thankful and prayerful.

Usually once I get home in the afternoon, I like to decompress and do a Bible study or prep for one of my small group classes-- I am a nerd, so I enjoying doing my "homework" for these classes. I also have a Bible-in-a-Year app that I read daily, usually before bed. Add to that a handful of devotionals that I am subscribed to via email, and I am pretty much immersed in the Word throughout the day. This is a drastic difference from where I was November 30th- the only time I had my Bible out was on Sunday morning to take notes during the sermon. I definitely wasn't spending between one and two hours every day studying, reading, and writing. But the thing is- I LOVE IT. It isn't a burden or a chore for me. I truly think I could do Bible studies and write in my prayer journal all day long. I jokingly asked Curtis if there was such a thing as a Methodist nun and was it too late for me to be one! But I wasn't really joking. Like I said, Quiet Time is no longer just a priority, it is the high point of my day. I crave it and look forward to it. I am frustrated when something interrupts it. I can't get enough of it.  It really does make all the difference in the world and I encourage you to find ways to fit it into your schedule. I know you are busy, but this is something that will change your life. 

December 10, 2014: I woke today and thought I was stressing about running late and where my black pants are, I didn't feel that stress that tends to overtake me. That sick feeling in my stomach wasn't present. I can only give You, God Almighty, the credit for that. I feel myself growing closer to You every day, every night. Each time I open myself to you in prayer, I feel my faith getting stronger. I am so blessed to know a living, all-powerful, all-loving God. You give me a peace and strength that is unsurpassed. I am able to withstand more than I thought possible. In spite of the sadness, stress, turmoil, etc. I believe and know You are here for me. 

I still have much to work on. I lashed out at one of my classes yesterday, so I know my temper got the best of me. I am still very lazy at home and I know I need to be eating healthier and taking care of this body you have given me. So I know self-control is another issue I need to work on. I want to be the type of person mentioned in 1 Peter, "Though they accuse [me] of doing wrong, they may see [my] good deeds and glorify God." I know that's a lifelong journey, but I don't want to die and my family and friends and co-workers think, "Well, she wasn't that nice anyway." Thanks for giving me the tools to change that. 

I wait patiently for Your will to be revealed in my life in Your timing, not mine. I thank you for sending Jesus to die for my sins, so I may have eternal life, and now I want my earthly life to be one to make You proud of me. Continue to give me strength and peace and comfort when you know I need it most. When I am at my lowest, I will take strength from Christ's words- "Take courage! I am here!" I know I am not alone. I've got the greatest protector, Jesus Christ. Thank you for that gift!