Add a Single Hour to Your Life

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Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Matthew 6:25

I'm a lifelong worrier. I know lots of people say that, but I literally cannot remember a time when I didn't have stress and fear in my life. I remember being a young child, probably no older than four, and sneaking into my parents' room in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. I remember clearly creeping through the house and climbing into the middle of their bed and snuggling between them. I remember being eleven or so and begging my mother to give me a dose of Benadryl in the hopes that it would make me drowsy enough to fall asleep. Many nights she wouldn't, and I would stay up for hours, watching the lights in my neighbors' houses, slowly click off as they went to sleep. It was the loneliest feeling- like I was the only person in the world awake, and if I were to fall asleep, I had no doubt that something terrible would happen. They say that stress and worry doesn't cause gray hair, but my mother warned me at thirteen that if I didn't stop stressing out about everything that I would have a head full of gray hairs by the time I could drive. She wasn't too far off. Speaking of driving, I didn't get my license until my senior year because I was too afraid to take the driving test- I couldn't handle the pressure. 

My life has been one worry and anxiety after another. My husband calls me an "awfulizer", meaning my mind automatically jumps to the worst case scenario with every situation. He's late coming home and not answering his phone? It can't be that he's just busy on taking another phone call; he must have been in a car accident. I have a headache and my vision is blurred? It can't be allergies because I forgot my A.M. Claritin; I definitely have a brain tumor. My psychiatrist in college called in Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was twenty years old before someone finally gave a name and an explanation to what was wrong with me. For the first time, I felt relief. Well, first I read every internet article on GAD I could find, but then I felt relief. Something really was wrong with me. I wasn't just crazy. OK, maybe I was just crazy, but it was something I could deal with now that I knew what the problem was. 

Years of therapy and medication helped some, but never completely eliminated my fears. Having a son in 2007 made my stress and irrational worrying worse than ever. Now I had a baby to endlessly worry over. There were days when I didn't dress my newborn at all because I was certain I would break his neck pulling a onesie over his big head. I refused to change diapers until after his umbilical stump fell off for fear that I would bump it and hurt him. I, not even exaggerating here, took a poop-filled diaper to his pediatrician because the poop wasn't the same color and consistency as described in my baby manual What to Expect the First Year. Eventually fear, stress, and worry just became my default. This was just how I was going to always feel, and there was nothing I could do about it. 

By the beginning of December, I had reached a breaking point in my career as a high school teacher. I was literally sick to my stomach every day as I prepared to go to school. I will spare you the details, but I was physically sick every morning like clockwork. Dread and fear threatened to consume me, and I felt hopeless most of the time. These were dark days, friends. And this is what led me to my Bible and Jesus. I had tried everything else with no relief, so I felt like Jesus was my last chance. I knew reading my Bible and praying wouldn't hurt, but I couldn't believe how much it helped. Why did I turn to Jesus as a last resort? I try to imagine how much more peaceful my life could have been if I had talked to God fifteen or twenty years ago. I try not to beat myself up about my delay too much; I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that every part of my journey was preordained by my Heavenly Father. His timing is perfect. 

I still have a long way to go in my journey. I have not been magically fixed overnight. I still worry about things, but worry no longer consumes me. I am able to put the right perspective on the issue instead of "awfulizing". I know that worry will not add a single hour to my life. I know that God doesn't want me to worry. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your cares on Him; He cares for you." I work very hard at "giving it to God" now. I try to ask myself, "Will this matter tomorrow? Will this matter next week? Will this matter in a year?" Nine times out of ten, the answer is a resounding no.  And if my answer is honestly no, then I just don't worry about it. 

December 9, 2014: Thank you for taking away all of  my fears and replacing them with peace. Thank you for letting me know I'm normal, even when the spirit of fear is trying to tell me I'm not. Thank you for giving me control of my thoughts and for helping me turn negative thinking into positive thinking. Thank you for keeping me safe and loving me. 

One of the things I love most about You is You hold the answers not me. I don't have to worry about "what-if" or "why" or "how"- I give it to you because it is beyond my ability to understand.

Stand Against the Wiles of the Devil

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...Finally be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil... Ephesians 6:10-13

So, I'll admit, I've never much believed in the devil. Maybe it was my completely secular upbringing, but the devil has never been one of my big fears. I'm scared of closing my eyes when I wash my hair in the shower. I'm scared of small boats that go really fast. I'm scared of accidentally poking my eye out while putting on mascara. But the devil? Come on, no way.

In the middle of my breakdown/revelation in early December, I spoke briefly with my pastor. He confirmed what other friends in the faith had determined-- that the devil was behind the personal attacks on my character and reputation. And here I was, naively thinking that it was just a bunch of teenaged kids being turds, but it was the devil after me! I'll admit I didn't put too much credence into his words. I just didn't believe it. I'll believe in God, okay? But I've got to draw the line at the devil. That's just a fairy tale.

But he pressed on, and his words stuck with me. He told me, "The devil only attacks people he's afraid of. You must be doing big things." Me? Doing big things? I could barely work up the nerve to get out of bed in the morning. Surely the devil has better, more important people to mess with than me? My believing has shifted since then, and now I am much more aware of the devil's wiles and schemes.

We have a common enemy--- Satan--- and he will attack us every way he knows how. Just as God knows us inside and out, so does the devil, and he will use our greatest weaknesses to his greatest advantage. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm."  He is waging a war against all of us, whether we realize it or not. He wants to strike us and then kick us while we are down. He knows where we are most vulnerable, and he will poke at it like you will poke at a sore tooth in the back of your mouth. Constantly and continuously until he wears you down.  He attacks with anger, pride, sin, lust, hurt feelings, criticism-- the things in this world that hurt. He will also attack with promises he can't fulfill and enticing lies you can't resist. Luckily, I don't face the devil of temptation often. My devil comes in the form of pride and anger, and I struggle with him every single day.

This passage in Ephesians is well known for its "Armor of God" metaphor, a spiritual "how-to defeat the devil" guide. Many people are familiar with the verses: belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with readiness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit (the Word). The scripture warns us to be prepared to fight WHEN the day of evil comes, not IF the day of evil comes, so we know that we are expected to face evil and fight. An interesting side note that my husband always points out- in all this armor of God, there is nothing to cover your backside. The Lord expects you to face evil and fight, not run away and hide.

Our strongest weapon in this battle is the sword of the Spirit. The Bible. Most wars are fought with guns and tanks and bombs, but Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:3-4, "...we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have the divine power to demolish strongholds..." Now fighting with words is something I am quite skilled in (just ask my poor husband), but using Scripture to glorify God and beat back the devil hasn't been in my "word war repertoire" until recently.

December 8, 2014: Heavenly Father, thank you for protection during the battle I wage every day. Please give me the weapons and armor I need to keep Satan at bay. Keep my mind on heavenly thins above, and don't allow Satan to pound me with his lies. Please give me the strength and courage to avoid the devil's temptations and hold fast to Your truth and love. I am amazed at your promise to provide for all of us, exactly what we need when we need it in our lives. You are all-powerful and all-loving. You are everything as as I continue to submit my life to you, I begin to clearly see that.

 I know that without you in my life, there will always be a hole that cannot be filled. I know that as I grow deeper in my relationship with You, You will continue to show me the depths of Your love. Like a child, I may not understand why You do things, but I endeavor to trust You fully and go wherever and do whatever You tell me to do. I put away my years of disobedience and reveal in a new trust, like a child just learning to walk or learning to ride a bike. I understand now that You don't guarantee that I won't ever fall or be hurt, but You do promise to be there to pick me up, dust me off, and give me the courage and confidence to try again. I know in my life I will deal with disappointments, hardships, anger and sadness, but you soften the blow. You protect me. You don't allow these things to consume me anymore because I've given it all to You.

Selfishly, I pray that You will continue to be with me as I face my own personal demons of depression and anxiety. Please give me the strength and courage to continue teaching this year. Let me be so filled with Your light and love that everyone can see the difference- my mom has already mentioned the change she has seen in me, so I know You are working in me. Please help me to continue this.


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What Can Man Do To Me?

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These little troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing. 2 Corinthians 4:17

With God by my side, I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalm 118:6

I've been plagued with fear my entire life. I swear I started getting gray hairs when I was 12, and my mom used to tell me it was from worrying all the time. I've had a creased forehead since my teens, from frowning and furrowing my brow. I remember being scared to sleep by myself, so I made my sister share a bed with me, for many years longer than she would have liked to. Even in high school, I was convinced I wouldn't be able to go off to college unless she went with me; there was no way I would be able to sleep at night by myself. Fear and anxiety have ruled my life for the majority of it, and in December, I was paralyzed with irrational fear. This wasn't the first time I had experienced this feeling of drowning while on dry land, but it was definitely the hardest to get past.

In my prayer journal I carefully transcribed every Bible verse dealing with fear, worry, and anxiety. I meditated on these daily. I recited them over and over. I wrote them on my desk calendar, taped them to my computer, copied one onto an index card and tucked it into my ID badge, so I could flip to it as often as I needed through the day. Psalm 118 spoke to me over and over again. It is full of some of the most beautiful poetry I've ever read and truths that bring tears to my eyes.

With God by my side, I will not fear. What can man do to me? This doesn't mean I won't suffer or face hardships, that's impossible, but it does mean that during these turbulent times, I don't have to let fear rule me and control my life. I can be confident in God, no matter what is happening around me. And what can they possibly do to me anyway with God beside me? Matthew 10:28 says in part, "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul." Fearing man and man-made situations will only destroy my peace and take away the confidence and faith I have in God. People will hate me for no reason, talk about me, spread lies and rumors, but these are little troubles, speed bumps that I will barely remember when I reach my eternal kingdom. So I cannot waste time here being fearful, but instead glorifying God and showing others the power He can have in my life.

December 5, 2014:

Thank you, Lord, for the many blessings in my life- things I take for granted constantly: my health, my husband, my son, my home, my family, my church, my small group, my work friends, my preachers, Your never-ending mercy in spite of my constant short-comings and mistakes. You are daily showing me how to trust in You and Your promise to keep me safe. Thank you for taking my worries and fears away from me. Thank you for freeing me from my ever-present yoke of shale, guilt, remorse and fear. Thank you for giving me another day to prove to You and to myself the great things I can do when I do it in Your holy name.

Please, Lord, show me how to listen for you. I don't want this to be a one-sided conversation. I want to follow Your will for my life, but I still don't know how to hear it. Please show me, tell me, lead me to someone who can. I am keeping my eyes turned to You, and I can feel You are making me a better person because I am finally submitting to Your Will instead of fighting it at every turn. I am Yours and I want o do everything YOU want me to do. I want to go where you want me to go, or stay if that's Your ultimate plan. I know I have to trust you whatever the outcome. I am praying that if it is Your Will then You will allow me to find a new job. But I also know if I apply for fifty jobs and don't get any of them, them I will stay where I am and do Your will here.

My job is not my calling. My calling is to serve You, and I can do that anywhere.  Please continue to open my eyes to that. Please fill me today with a peace that transcends human understanding. Please protect me from the unimportant things of this world- these temporary things that I allow to cloud my vision to what is most important. You are my eternal life.